sing, sign, sigh. all those words look the same to me.

"hello, i'm in delaware"- city and colour
(listen while reading)

life is a weird thing, or place or existence or what have you. it sounds strange to take such a huge thing and categorize it like that, but it's how i feel. whether you're looking at your life in a macro sense or a micro sense...it's something that is incredibly hard to take in evenly, all at once. 


i am so grateful to be living my life and living it the best i can. but there are definitely things that i just...worry about. i worry and i worry and then i look back and wonder "why?" i think, "why did i do that? why didn't i do this?" and then i tell myself, "nope, not doing that again" and of course, i don't do it again. i am very good at listening to myself and learning from my mistakes.


haha, yeah right. 


it's true though, life is weird. it's something that i am realizing that i have no control over. all i can control is my actions and reactions and maybe even those things slip away and escape at times, leaving me only in possessions of my hopes and dreams. i'm realizing that i've gained so much knowledge of my heart and the things that it wants. but with the more i learn about my life, and it's aspirations, the more i realize that there is so much more to understand. there are weeks, like last week, where that realization is extremely overwhelming. those weeks are hard, they are long and they lead you to days like today, where you finally choose to look at the unknown as something to enjoy, to be excited about. you can take fears and doubt and use them to propel yourself forward, not caring about the risks you're taking.


a friend of mine told me, "do the things you fear now, so that you have the courage to do them later."
taking this out of context, i have adopted it as a motto for life and i'm trying to put it to good use. often times it's a hard thing to do, but risks are almost always worth it especially the ones that bring about growth, spiritually, emotionally, physically. 


i just want to grow and i'm tired of holding myself back because i'm scared. i've always put up this huge front, that i'm someone who couldn't care less, that life is something that couldn't phase me if it tried. false. i'm actually a person who lets fear of loss or pain hold her back from progress. but i'm determined to start abandoning everything in life that will hold me back from the place i'm supposed to go, the people whom i'm supposed to let into my heart and the greatness that God wants for me to achieve. all of those things will take work and faith and i think that i'm finally prepared to let faith lead and fear fall by the way-side. 


i have learned so much these years of college and i'm sad to soon close the book on the memories and lessons, the place and the feelings. but i plan to remind myself, every time i start to feel sad or nervous, that i don't have to leave the bonds i've developed with the people who have (thankfully) come into my life and helped me grow. 


[this post is so long but i don't think anyone is really going to read it, so if you do, i apologize and give you permission to stop reading at any time. i know a lot of blogs suck, and i don't view mine as any kind of exception.]


another thing that i've given a lot of thought over these few weeks that i've been back at school for my last winter, is our ability to love other people. it honestly takes me back every time, when i have those little moments that i realize just how much people mean to me, how deeply they have affected me and how those little spots in my life will never be the same, because i've changed from the love that developed. (i'm referring to all the people whom i love.) the heart is such an interesting thing. i feel like every little particle of love that we develop for another person is a blessing. without that blessing we would have nothing. even on the days that feeling love causes pain, i'm grateful for it. showing love, is proving that life is worth living, and living it fully. 

i just want a simple, happy and full life. 
walking along snowy roads, the air crisp and fresh...i can just feel greatness. it's just around the corner.
bare with me.